Kramer: You should take cold showers. I try to keep my mind neutrally buoyant. I’m not a perpetual thrill seeker. I don’t usually try for excessive highs from ingesting or inhaling powerful chemicals. But I also do everything in my power to avoid the lows. Our “nine to five” jobs (Or more realistically “eight to six”) can be depressing. Our jobs, other distractions, and the inevitable emotional turbulence that comes with life can shake our calm like faulty scuba equipment during a Mexican dive adventure. We need to equalize.
The first and most demoralizing obstacle of my day is the carousel of torture called “getting out of bed.” Every 24 hours, at approximately 5:30 AM, the wheel spins again and lands on “Bankrupt.” Here’s what I tell my therapist about how I wake up: I’m smothered in warm liquid inside of a lava cake. My eyes are closed, and I can actually feel my neurotransmitters sitting on recliners about to start their second IV of Dilaudid. They smile. We smile. The whole world smiles back, raises a cold drink, and sinks back into the hot tub. Wait. Oh shit. Now it’s dark. Something doesn’t feel right. What is that noise? Suddenly, I see two headlights coming quickly toward me, a 16 wheel semi-truck lays on the horn and heads straight for me. I wake up. It is my alarm clock. I fall out of bed half sick and stop the sirens. I creep back into bed and pull myself back into my tasty gooey chocolate cocoon. The internal lectures then begin: Addict (to me): Stay here. You have nothing to live for. You are nobody. You have nobody. You have no money. Everybody hates you. If you killed myself, nobody would come to your funeral. Just stay here. This warm bed is all you have. Logic (also to me): Well, if you killed yourself, at least you wouldn’t have to pay for a haircut. It is nice and warm in here, but you really should get out of bed because... you have to pee. Me: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I finally yank myself out of bed and stumble into the bathroom. As my bladder and the voices in my head clear out, my post-somnolent depression sets in full force. This is my life? This is what I do now? I look in the mirror. It does not help. I turn on the shower. I guesstimate the knob to a warm to hot setting. I get in. I spend a few minutes taking a nice normal comfortable shower. But then… I take a few deep breaths, yell a few more obscenities, and I turn the shower knob to its coldest setting. There is a two second delay in which the water doesn’t yet know it’s cold. Like a confused defensive back who intercepted a pass and took off running toward his own end zone, the moment seems to last forever. But the message is delivered, the water abruptly switches gears, and the ice-cold knives hit me. The manner in which I force myself to stay under the cold water is not consistent. Sometimes I count 30 slow breaths, sometimes I sing all the words to “Lydia the Tattooed Lady,” and sometimes I set a timer. The important part is staying under the cold water at least 3 or 4 minutes or until I no longer feel cold. I cannot adequately describe the unpleasantness that goes along with the first few cold showers. But the more unpleasant it is, the better it feels to get out. So when I get out I’m finally awake. When I dry off, I no longer feel worthless. I no longer feel like cashing in the chips and going back to sleep. I no longer feel like a victim. I feel awake and alive. I guessing you likely wouldn’t doubt that a cold shower wakes you up. After all, burning yourself on your stove would wake you up too, but that doesn’t sound so good either. Wim Hof says, “Feeling is understanding.” He is also out of his damn mind. But you cannot understand the benefits of cold showers unless you feel them yourself. Give this new habit a shot for two weeks and see if you get addicted like me. The best part of taking cold showers is that they are convenient. You are in the shower anyway. If you make it a habit to end every shower this way, there is no added time commitment. As is probably obvious, I have a hard time feeling good in the morning. I'm a grumpy sleeper. But getting the cold blast is the first great thing to happen to me every day. I’m obviously not providing a scientific paper here, but here are some of the benefits of cold showers I’ve read about*: 1)Anti-depressive effects 2)Improved circulation 3)You actually want to get out of the shower 4)You feel warmer when you get dried off 5)Increased testosterone 6)Healthier hair and skin 7)Increased sperm count (could be a drawback) 8)Increased energy 9)Daily test of your will power 10) Promotes fat loss 11) Decreases inflammation Of course, you don’t have to take my word for it. *None of what I write is scientific writing, so I’m not going to regularly cite sources. If you want more information you can ask Google like the rest of us.
1 Comment
|
|